Frugality is often a complex concept to understand let alone conquer. When I first started dating Ray in college and began encouraging him to adopt my frugal lifestyle in order to save money and meet his goals, he confessed he felt like he was being ‘cheap’ and often wondered how friends and other people would respond to his actions. I remember always brushing his unnecessary worries off as I recited my favorite response: “Who cares about other people and what they think!”
My textbook line of defense about my frugality was put to the test when a good friend of mine came over to visit me a few months back. We used to spend a lot of time together before I moved out of my mom’s house and our sons became great friends but when I moved away, we kind of drifted apart.
Nevertheless I was excited to have her over and since there weren’t any good events or activities going on that night, I just planned a nice chill evening at my house. I cooked some delicious parmesan tilapia for dinner and began to make some homemade pumpkin muffins for dessert (this was late October or early November and I was still in my pumpkin phase). Everything was going great, then she started acting a little turned off. “Why don’t you have your heat on? I guess I should’ve brought my extra blanket.” she said.
“It hasn’t been that cold lately to turn it on so I’d rather wait. Plus no one is really home in the daytime and I cook every night so the heat from the oven warms up the place pretty nice. But I guess I could turn it on tonight it you’re really cold,” I responded. (Mind you this was in OCTOBER, it didn’t start getting really cold where I live until around Thanksgiving and we didn’t get our first big snow until after Christmas.)
My friend gave me a confused look and sort of shook her head, but I just brushed it off and moved right along. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of tension in the air as she showed disapproval toward the things I did and the way I did them. When we started watching a movie, she did a double take when I started making popcorn on the stove (this was pre-popcorn air popper, oh how it’s changed my life). “Why don’t you just buy it? That’s what I do. I don’t have time to be tied down doing all that.” It’s kind of funny and a bit silly now that I’m looking back, but yes I turned someone off by making popcorn a different way.
Other little instances occurred during the night that made me wonder how others perceived my frugality and if it made them uncomfortable. Did my friends think I was being weird, cheap or worse trying to act better than them? What did my friends really think about my new frugal lifestyle and more important, did I even care?
Frugal vs. Cheap
Being frugal is often confused with being cheap, and being cheap is often looked down upon in today’s society. No wonder why people get turned away from adopting a frugal lifestyle in order to better themselves. While cheap and frugal people both like to save money, there are MAJOR differences between the two.
Being cheap involves focusing solely on price instead of value. Cheap friends may not fly out to a wedding due to the price involved when a frugal friend may try to cut the cost of travel by using frequent flier miles or credit card reward points.
Being frugal is all about utilizing your resources, budgeting strategically and spending consciously. It’s about realizing the bigger picture of how your finances affect your life and future and not being afraid to take actions toward cutting your expenses without compromising quality or the welfare of others. With that being said, it’s clear to see why your friends who aren’t too knowledgeable about the two may mistake your frugality for pure cheapness.
The Truth Is, I’ve Changed
I’m definitely not the same person I was three or four years ago. I no longer live rent free with my parents and eat out multiple times every week. I don’t spend money just for the sake of spending it.
I’ve been to college and back; And I’ve certainly got the loans to prove it. I’ve been through hard times financially where I had to somehow make ends meet making only $500 a month at my part time job. I’ve experienced the setbacks of not having an emergency fund when my checking account went negative and I’ve had those humiliating days where I had to search through the couch for spare change for gas or walk around the parking lot of my apartment in hopes of finding a quarter on the ground just so I could wash my clothes.
I’ve had a debt epiphany. When I finally landed my first ‘big girl job’ with a better income, I chose not to sink into lifestyle inflation.
I enjoy creating my monthly budget and setting financial goals for myself. I watch my bank accounts like a hawk every day and I try to give every dollar I earn a purpose. I’m addicted to cutting my monthly expenses without compromising my quality of life and I’m certainly not sorry or ashamed of the person I’ve become.
Having a Diverse Mixture of Friends
I have to say I’m truly not bothered by my friend’s response to my frugality but I did learn a lot from it. I’m not trying to write this to bash people or glorify my lifestyle but sometimes I get fed up being labeled as the weird person or the one who’s too uptight about their money.
I’m proud of my frugal habits and I’m happy with the way I live. I also understand that when you have a particular goal set, everyone is not going to understand or accept it completely and that’s okay too.
It would be partially untrue to say I didn’t care about my friend’s opinions about me because I respect and care about all of them dearly but I respect my lifestyle choice and my financial goals more.
I don’t necessarily agree 100% with the some of the things my friends do but I like having a mixture of friends including: some who understand frugal vs. cheap and take interest in optimizing their resources in order to spend consciously and others not so much. I have friends who I can talk to about sales, saving and stockpiling and other friends I can talk to about parenting along with those girlfriends I can experience some guiltless retail therapy with.
What do your friends think about your frugal ways and how do you respond?
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Liz says
Been there, done that! I have had friends make comments about my lifestyle, especially when I choose not to go out to lunch with them during work. I am all about packing my own lunch and saving money. It can be hard sometimes, but for the most part, I think about how much money they burn through while I’m saving for a bigger, better life.
Chonce says
My office is BIG on dining out for lunch and
I just don’t get it. So much money wasted in my opinion and it’s another scenario where I dare to be different by packing my lunch often. But it feels great to be saving money in this area.
This Wife's Life says
Same here with work and lunch. I also like to talk about how I’m making money and saving money. It’s funny how they will start to justify their spendiness…even when they come in wearing a new outfit, when they show me they start explaining how they got it on sale with a low interest credit card, etc. I don’t judge, I just choose to live differently. Great post!
Choncé says
I try not to act to judgey too because the last thing I want is people getting offended and going on the defense. My best way to help people make better decisions with their finances is to lead by example and see if they’re genuinely interested in discussing finances first.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
Most of my friends support my frugal ways. I definitely don’t get to see them as much or get to do things that they do, but everyone who knows about my blog is supportive. If they aren’t, I guess I don’t know about it and maybe don’t want to know. lol!
Chonce says
That’s really good that you’re surrounded by people who support your goals and your lifestyle.
Jason @ TheButlerJournal.com says
A lot of my friends don’t understand my frugal ways. The fact that a certain friend is always trying to get me to go out troubles me. I’ve had to lie to people just because they don’t understand that I’m trying to save money and pay off debt.
Chonce says
That sounds intense but I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes I just don’t understand how people can’t seem to get it but I guess I was one of those people once upon a time walking around oblivious to everything. That’s a big reason why I named this blog the way I did because there’s people out there that get it and there’s still a ton who don’t but we should all hope to have an epiphany of some sort about our finances one day.
Christine @ The Wallet Diet says
My friends are pretty supportive. They actually find it relieving that hanging out with me doesn’t have to involve blowing a ton of money! There are some people who don’t get it but they’re usually the ones that are living beyond their means so I don’t take it personally 🙂
Chonce says
Thanks Christine! I’m with your friends and I’d rather not feel like I have to spend a certain amount of money to hang out and have a good time. I don’t take it personal really, it’s just interesting how different people’s lifestyle and experiences shape their financial decisions. Different strokes for different folks.
simplecheapmom says
You think you’re being frugal, she thinks you’re being cheap. Neither of you are wrong. It’s just a relative thing I think. (but I call myself cheap, so I think I have a different definition than most people)
I had a few friend who I could talk to about money stuff. Since starting the blog, more seem to be coming out of the wodworks. It’s kind of fantastic. I’m getting less self-conscious about being frual (and cheap) and even left my thermostat low when a friend came over (but she’s dropped hers lately so she’s getting more frugal/cheap too)
Chonce says
That’s cool how you’re able to influence your friends and I find that I’m doing the same for some of my friends. I definitely think there’s a distinct difference between frugal and cheap but I agree with you that everyone has their own definition and it varies a lot. But I don’t have a problem with either actually. And sometimes I do act cheap probably, haha. Extreme cheapness is something I stray away from though.
Erin @ Journey to Saving says
Ack, that’s horrible your friend was so tense about what you were doing! Generally if I’m a guest in someone’s house, I don’t question what they’re doing, I’m just happy to be there. I’m thankful most of my friends are frugal, even if they don’t intend to be. I suppose low-maintenance might be a better word? They don’t mind spending money on entertainment, but they also don’t mind having potlucks and playing board games. They’re also “weird” in general, so I don’t think they would ever think frugality is weird in and of itself. 😉
That said, my coworkers always teased me about not wanting to eat out at lunchtime and would make remarks about that. Then they would beg me for the snacks I hid in my desk. I think I had the better approach!
Chonce says
Low maintenance is the perfect word Erin. I’m pretty low maintenance/frugal compared to a lot of people I come across so I understand how my habits might catch someone off guard but I understand that everyone comes from a different background with different values, so sometimes it’s okay just to agree to disagree or even influence people through my actions.
Oh and my coworkers usually do the same and poke fun at me not going out for lunch all the time. But I don’t mind and I bond with my coworkers in other ways and they are really great people. But at the end of the month I’m the one who’s laughing and enjoying all my savings 🙂
kay ~ lifestylevoices.com says
“It would be partially untrue to say I didn’t care about my friend’s opinions about me because I respect and care about all of them dearly but I respect my lifestyle choice and my financial goals more.”
Quote of the day Chonce! That summed it all up perfectly. They don’t pay your bills, you do. It’s like people who harp at other women to have more children because it’s not good to have an “only”. They’re not the ones that will have to take care of that hypothetical child for the next 18+ years.
If everyone would just mind their own P’s & Q’s this world would be a MUCH happier place.
Chonce says
So true Kay! What works for one person is not going to work for someone else, especially if it involves saving and spending money because everyone’s budget is different.
femmefrugality says
Friend diversification is always a good thing. There’s so many parts to ourselves and so many different ways we can relate to people.
And by the way, stove top popcorn tastes about 1000% better anyways.
Chonce says
So true Femme! I feel like I have so many different sides to myself and I love to get to know different types of people.
thesingledollar says
I sometimes feel cheap, especially if I’m going out with friends who want to drink a few glasses of wine with dinner and I either have one, or none, or if others are going on vacation together and I always stay home, but mostly I’d say my friends are supportive; the majority of them aren’t exactly high rollers anyway, and those that I’ve talked to about paying off my loans or saving money for retirement have been admiring/supportive, for the most part. I definitely don’t think they’d question the temperature or the food I give them — I only feel kind of weird sometimes when whatever is in question involves going out or otherwise spending a lot of money.
Chonce says
I’m sure we’ve all been there when it comes to dining out. Most good friends won’t pressure you to the point where it gets uncomfortable though and that’s a good thing. For some reason I tend to get along with some high maintenance people even though I consider myself pretty low maintenance (for the most part) but I do have a few friends who have really gotten interested in personal finance after hearing about my goals and seeing what I’m doing and it feels great to inspire/encourage someone close to your through your actions.
Christina @ Embracing Simple says
Love this Chonce! I have a post coming up dedicated to talking about frugal vs. cheap as well, great minds think alike! 🙂
I think it’s funny that your friend had such a reaction to the way you were making popcorn – I much more prefer non-microwaved popcorn (we use our air popper all the time), as it’s tastier and also better for you. Microwave popcorn bags are known to have carcinogens!
I’m lucky that many of my friends try to be frugal in a lot of ways as well, and the ones who are a bit more frivolous understand my frugal ways more now that I have a baby. But pre-Motherhood, it was definitely tough explaining my reasoning for not wanting to drop $50 to go out to drinks and whatnot every weekend. Adding home ownership and a family into the mix has made my friends a bit more sympathetic with my reasoning for wanting to save!
Chonce says
That’s good that your friends are coming around! Frugal vs. cheap is always a sticky concept to grasp but the more people learn about how to distinguish the two, the better. Looking forward to your post!
Michelle says
People used to think we were really poor because of our frugal ways. It was almost funny because people would offer to help us out all the time.
Chonce says
That just goes to show how some people just don’t understand others who are frugal. Most people are frugal by choice, not because they have to be in order to survive.
Barry @ Moneywehave says
The people who understand their finances think it’s great that I’m able to save. The ones who are spenders of course think I’m just cheap. The irony of it all is that I do spend, I just prefer to pay all my bills on time and in full.
Chonce says
I feel like I spend quite a bit too, but it’s only on things that are important to me and my bills and debt payments of course. Having cable and going out to eat every week aren’t important to me so I don’t spend money on it.
Barry @ Moneywehave says
It’s the small things. There’s nothing wrong with eating out, I’m just perfectly happy drinking water with my meal. I’m not going to order 2 beers or whatever and have a massive bill at the end of the night.
Holly@ClubThrifty says
Most of my friends are used to it. We all have kids and different budgets to work with.
Chonce says
That’s awesome! I’m sure more of my friends and family will start to get it after a while because I don’t plan on changing or becoming a spender any time soon.
Michelle@ColoradoLuvHub says
I am very, very fortunate that my friends are super supportive of whatever I do. Since I usually push them out the way to pick up change I add some comedy relief to our lives. But, seriously, my friends also have things that they really prioritize such as: kids, debt repayment, investing, travel, property, etc. Those all cost money so they are pretty money aware.
Chonce says
It’s good to be surrounded by people who have similar financial goals so you can motivate each other.
DC @ Young Adult Money says
Friends will always have disagreements and differences of opinions. You can’t expect everyone to agree with your choices. A good example would be blogging (and yes, I realize I’m going on a tangent but I promise it relates). I think a lot of people question why I spend so much time on blogging. I have really committed a huge amount of my “free” time towards Young Adult Money and blogging in general. It has greatly benefited me from a personal development standpoint, networking standpoint, and ultimately a financial standpoint. Others may not understand that, but it is what it is.
Chonce says
Same here. When it comes to my blog, some people get why I spend so much time on it and others don’t. But I’m sure I don’t agree 100% or understand everything my friends do either.
Fig says
I’ve had some friends make comment, mostly during situations where I didn’t want to go out and drop $100 on a night out on the town. Personally I find a lot of joy in very frugal hobbies so I’ve made new friends. Different sets of friends helps balance it out.
Chonce says
Exactly. I like to diversify my friends but I like to do plenty of different things, but most of the time it’s frugal stuff so having a group of friends who understand that and can enjoy frugal activities is good.
Kayla says
I have a few select friends who make fun of my frugal ways, only to be broke each month! I have others who are more privileged (aka no student loans) and don’t genuinely understand my burden of debt, and how I’m frugal so I can be free of it that much sooner.
Frugality also helps me keep it real — instead of spending money on more clothes to store and wash, I buy quality pieces from consignment shops. Instead of shopping for fun, I’ll do something outdoors instead. It helps me regularly think outside the box, as well as value what’s important in life.
Chonce says
Haha I see that trend with a couple of my broke friends too. I used to be a mini shopaholic but not I’m leaning more toward going places and creating actual experiences instead of just buying a bunch of stuff.
Jessica says
I am actually in the process of writing a similar post about how my friends make fun on my frugal ways. For the most part, I think most friends understand, but there are a few who don’t hang out with us as much because we don’t like to go out and spend a lot of money. I generally don’t care, however, I sometimes worry that I’m making someone else uncomfortable.
Chonce says
It’s unfortunate that some friends don’t get it and probably never will, but if you can find a common ground both sides should be able to make the friendship work. That’s not always the case but sometimes it is!