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My Debt Epiphany

A blog about getting out of debt and getting on the right track financially

You are here: Home / Frugal Living / There’s a Huge Difference Between Not Wanting to Spend and Not Having Enough to Spend

There’s a Huge Difference Between Not Wanting to Spend and Not Having Enough to Spend

Do you have any pet peeves that are related to finances? My main one is when people misinterpret or dismiss the way I manage money. It’s no secret that not everyone is a fan of frugality and spending less than you earn.

However, I live by those concepts and principles and believe it’s important for everyone to understand the difference between being frugal and being cheap or broke.

Have you Ever Judged Someone for Not Spending Money or for Spending ‘Too Much’ Money?

Maybe you asked a co-worker or friend out to lunch or to an event and they politely declined without a valid excuse. As a result, you might have passed judgement on them and thought that they were too cheap or even too stuck up to spend time with you.

Perhaps you judged a neighbor or family member for not having enough food in their house or not fixing an appliance that has been broken for months. You might have thought to yourself, they must not have enough money to do _____….how sad.

In even worse cases, you might have heard about someone you know buying a new car or spending money on a large purchase like a luxury vacation or a huge home and disagreed with their decision by assuming they got into quite a bit of debt in order to make the purchase.

If you’ve passed judgement like this before, it’s okay because I’m sure everyone has. This habit is so natural that it takes a conscious effort to train yourself to think otherwise and stop jumping to conclusions when you know very little about someone’s personal life.

The Wedding Industry has Done this and Pissed Me Off

Planning my wedding this year has been pretty fun so far with a few unfortunate downsides. It seems like everyone in the industry expects you to pay more money for EVERYTHING. I get it that weddings may be some people’s livelihood, but when I don’t comply with your silly game, don’t look at me all crazy like I spoke Swahili.

At the beginning of the planning process, the guy who owns the venue we booked kept pushing us to have an open bar.

After we declined this offer at first, he clapped back with this:

Venue guy: “We have shorter open bar packages too for two hours…because you know, you want to offer your guests something.”

Thoughts in my head: “No sir. I definitely don’t have to offer my guests an open bar to the tune of $4,000. What planet are you on where people spend that kind of money on alcohol? My wedding is not about alcohol so anyone who wants it can go to the bar, purchase their own and drink responsibly.”

And to the lady at the jewelry store who looked at us all crazy when we insisted on getting budget wedding bands, then insisted on offering us a store credit card so we could purchase more expensive wedding bands.

My thoughts exactly: “You’re supposed to offer REAL specials and discounts for Valentine’s Day weekend, but instead you’re selling the idea that my fiancé has to spend X amount of dollars on me to prove that he loves me. We’ll pass and take the $100 wedding band since we can always upgrade later. We don’t care if it makes us look broke to you. And shame on you for offering a person who you think doesn’t have the money to buy a decent wedding band a credit card so they can get into debt trying to obtain the ‘perfect symbol’. Will you be around to help us pay the bill for this credit card you are praising so much?”

Maybe I sound too hard on her. She’s just doing her job.

And finally, to the home baker who felt like she could overcharge us on cookies just because they are for a wedding and claimed that the price she gave us was already too low.

What we actually said: Thanks but no thanks.

Through this Experience, I’m Learning how to Barter and Say No Unapologetically

When I started turning people’s ridiculous pricing down because it made me feel uncomfortable, I realized how empowered it made me feel. I was giving myself the freedom to create and enforce a budget that would be very doable for us and align with our goals.

Unfortunately, for other people, it made them believe that we were too cheap and/or broke and couldn’t afford it. After I declined the cookie lady’s offer, I vented to a family member one day on my lunch break at work and went to a local grocery store to price their cookies so I could buy my cookie tray for much cheaper. After all, it was just cookies which pretty much taste the same no matter who makes them. Not a big deal.

I found a pretty amazing deal on fresh baked cookies and told my family member that I was going to contact the bakery manager to work out pricing and place an order; this action would save us so much money compared to having a decadent sweets table at the reception.

I felt great. I declined an outrageous offer, found a more affordable solution, and set a plan in motion.

The next day, the family member I spoke to revealed to me that they went ahead and called the cookie lady back and told her that they would pay for the cookies – this was after I told them about my plan to go with the local grocery store.

I thanked them because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I truly did appreciate the help, but I felt like I had the issue under control. There were so many other more important expenses that needed to be covered. In all honesty, I felt like it was a huge slap in the face to my commitment to barter and take the more affordable route.

Even worse, it painted the picture that my fiancé and I just didn’t have the money to afford it, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

In All Honesty, I Could’ve Afforded It

I could’ve dropped a couple of Benjamins on this expense no problem, but that’s not what I wanted to do and it wasn’t a priority. Why pay full price for something when you can negotiate, barter, or find a more affordable solution?

Taking the easy way out and putting up with someone’s high pricing just to avoid letting them think I’m broke is just not my personality as I could care less about what people think.

The fact of the matter is that we can probably afford to spend more than we are spending on this entire event. However, I’d still like to pay my bills, pay 3 times the minimum payment on my student loans every month, and continue to save like crazy. Those are my choices, so if people are under the impression that I can’t afford a simple snack and start to feel sorry for me, I’d say it’s time for a mindset change.

My financial choices and habits help me save a minimum of $1200 each month; that’s my choice and I’m perfectly happy with avoiding spending in other areas of my budget.

The HUGE difference between making frugal choices and choosing not to spend because you are broke or cheap is your values and goals for your finances and this may differ from person to person.

The Bottom Line

My point here is, at the end of the day, sometimes all you can do is respect someone’s decision and not pass judgement on them or dismiss how they manage their money. That person who just financed a 2016 car may have obtained 0% APR offer and maxes out their retirement every year.

That friend who doesn’t have all the coolest snacks in their kitchen cabinets may have a $20k emergency fund.
It’s all about making your own valued-based decisions and refraining from drawing conclusions and making a flawed judgement. I’m sure this is a work in progress for everyone.

Do you have any pet peeves related to finances? Mine is when people don't understand the huge difference between frugal and cheap.
Have you ever passed harsh a judgement on someone’s spending decisions before, only to find out your views were misguided and there was more to them that met the eye?

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  1. I admit I have been judgmental when I’ve seen or heard of people making questionable spending decisions. In one blog I read how someone barely had any money left, but was signing up for an online class. I didn’t say anything, but I definitely thought, “wtf???” I don’t want to judge, but I can’t help my thoughts. I’m sure I’ve been judged too. A lot of my co-workers go out to eat, in fact they are going as a dept to welcome MY new hire this week, and since it’s not being reimbursed I’m not going. Not to mention I could do without the extra calories these days. I took him out (expensed) on his first day so I’m under no obligation, nor do I feel bad, but I’m sure I will probably be slightly judged for it. I can see how there is a lot of pressure to buy when you are wedding planning. They probably lay on the guilt really thick!

    • I like that you’re holding your ground and not feeling guilty about going over the top financially with welcoming your new hire. Sometimes I feel like some people are just waiting for an excuse to go out to eat or spend money so it’s easy for them to pressure you into doing the same as well

  2. There are plenty of times when I could spend money, but choose not to because I am working towards aggressive savings goals. To some, it may seem like I don’t have the money, but the reality is that I have it but am choosing not to spend it. You hit the nail on the head with this post.

    • Exactly! Keep working toward your goals. It sounds like you’ve already got a strong handle on it though and what other people think doesn’t matter and sometimes that the best mindset to have when you are striving toward something so important.

  3. Girl…okay, you are the minister and I’m the crazy lady in the front pew giving you a standing ovation!!!!!! So…first, the whole finance it on a credit card thing is such an annoyance! I know for a fact that I was once in the wrong frame of mind and succumbed to store clerks credit offers all the time. It amazes me that they offer credit to someone to purchase something they think they can’t afford. I’m so happy that your are sticking to what you believe in and not being swayed by what everyone else is doing. BTW, we totally brought our cookie favors from the grocery store and packaged them ourselves. We paid around $60 for all of those cookies, lol. Everyone told us at the end of our wedding that we had to have spent a fortune on our reception because it was so nice. My husband and I laughed all the way to the bank because that couldn’t have been farther from the truth! I’m guilty of judging someone else, but I always remember that we all have our own priorities and to each their own.

    • Haha! Love that analogy! 🙂 That’s awesome that you were able to pull off a fabulous wedding and way to go on the cookie favors.

  4. Unfortunately I think these sales tactics are highly effective : / Most people start feeling insecure about what they budgeted (and what they can and can’t afford) so they end up spending more than they should. The wedding industry is definitely the worst (best?) at this and they sure know how to hit people when they are vulnerable.

    • Yes, they are very effective, but those tactics won’t work on me. I know I’ll never see half of those vendors ever again so it doesn’t matter what opinion they form about me. I think whoever came up with that whole ‘it’s my birthday/wedding so I have to organize everything, pay for everything, and entertain everyone’ scenario up was truly a sales genius and a god sent to all merchants. Then again, I know other cultures organize weddings and birthdays much differently.

  5. Sales people can be real pushy. Some people can say no easily while others give in and buy something that they don’t really want or need.

    • I actually not that hard of a sale usually when I deal with sales people and they show me the benefit and value in using a product, but lately I’ve been more mindful of my money. Plus, the wedding industry promotes such outrageous prices.

    • Exactly! Sometimes I wonder if it’s best to just refrain from saying what I need is for a wedding but I don’t want to be dishonest. For the most part, I’ve been upfront with all my vendors but I had my bridesmaids order their dresses on Amazon to save money and I told my mom to just look for a dress in a department store but stay away from ‘mother of the bride’ stuff because it can get pricey.

  7. I like how much strength you have! And I am all about DIY weddings, parties, etc. and saving money. My aunt makes amazing wedding cakes and you used to do every cake in my family without charge, but that’s how our family works. I really haven’t been around too many people that say no to things; I’m probably the one who says no the most 🙂

    • That’s amazing! I took a cake decorating class a few years back and made my sister a birthday cake but I’m no where near skilled enough to do a wedding cake. It’s a lot of work and take patience.

  8. Great post! I choose to spend way less to nothing on some things (hair color, nails, shoes) so I can spend on things I want that perhaps cost more than what others would spend. I wonder how many people have judged me saying “I can’t believe she drives a Lexus with nails like that…and those shoes.” LOL.

    • Yeah I bet. Little do they know you have other priorities for your money 🙂 I can’t remember the last time I’ve gotten my nails done – I just don’t value it enough at this time.

  9. Loved this. I am a very low income earner, and often for me my frugality comes from a place of not having enough. The difference between having money, and choosing not to spend it, and not having money is HUGE. One is a luxury, the other is a necessity. I like when people point that out- good read!

    • Thanks Kara! I started becoming frugal out of necessity. But now, I’m actively choosing to be more frugal so I can avoid feeling broke all the time and blowing my money on things that don’t matter to me. It’s kind of funny how it worked out but I’d rather make a choice than feel like I have to do it.

  10. Don’t feel embarrassed. Your worth is not defined by how much you spend, and you definitely don’t need to spend $4k for 2 hours of alcohol. You’re making smart decisions, and will experience a better quality of life from being able to say “no”. Keep it up!